Tuesday, August 16, 2011

the difficulty

Something you should know about me is that on any given day, I don't really know what I eat.  I just don't care about food until I'm starving—and then I know I can eat cheese or something. I used to make good food. I used to be organized about my eating. One time, I made my own fancy salad dressing. But for a while now, I've been surviving on bean tortillas, tuna, oatmeal,  trail mix, various cheeses, peanut butter & jelly and then, maybe Salmon. Occasionally, I eat Cheetos.

It's been a slow slide into food oblivion.

A couple of months ago, I started following a pro-ana blog because I was so horrified by it. The readers would ask some girl if eating 500 calories was enough to lose weight. It's still really horrifying to me. But then, at Havasupai, reading the back of that Cliff bar and then coming home and training for the triathlon, I realized that besides basic nutrients, I was unintentionally starving myself. I suddenly became super of aware of the fact that I need to eat other vegetables besides almonds & peanuts, and Cafe Rio salads.

But. When I think about making something—there's just nothing in my brain. A blankness. So I open the fridge and slice pieces of cheese.

The thing is I love food. When someone else makes it. Or if I'm making it for someone else. But just me = blankness.

The ladies in my relief society are horrified. They are trying to help me. And for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can do it.

Sometime in July, my sister said I could freeze portions of soup in a cupcake pan. Each cupcake cube could be a meal! So easy! And then, my RS people somehow got me to go to this food storage workshop. It sounded way out of my league because I can barely figure out what I'm going to eat in one day—but! the lady said I could make a meal and then FREEZE PORTIONS!!! I know this sounds incredibly obvious to everyone besides me. I have been preoccupied with other things out of my mind. But somehow this time, it stuck in my brain! Along with the feeling that I could actually make food.

It's a true miracle.

And tonight, I made zucchini curry soup. Hailey says it smells delicious. It's 11pm and I haven't been able to eat it yet because it took me forever and it was leaking out of the blender—but! I have hope! HOPE!!! (and I already have the frozen portions in the freezer!!!).

2 comments:

  1. you are an inspiration to me! I am in the exact same predicament. I actually went to a dietitian one time thinking maybe she could give me pointers on how to make healthy meals for a single college student...and after she heard what I ate, she was like, "You know, I don't normally suggest this to people, but I think you should take vitamin supplements. You are starving yourself."

    Fail.

    Sigh.

    BUT! You bring hope. Keep me posted on what you do--the soup thing is genius!--so I can totally copy you and eat better too! :)

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  2. Was it delicious? If so let me know the recipe!

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